“This horror will grow mild, this darkness light.” ― John Milton, Paradise Lost These are just the physical ailments, not going into the headology* problems (do you read Terry Pratchett novels? I swear, they are all that have been getting me through these political times. I’ve been reading about your medical travails, and, while mine are nowhere near as dire as yours, I decided to share them with you. You know nothing of my work.” And he’s right and I laughed. Y’all need to get your shit together, okay?”Īnd then Victor said it was more like the look that Jesus probably gives when people are being shitty to other people and are like, “I’M DOING THIS IN THE NAME OF JESUS” and Jesus is like, “Oh God. Y’all are just lucky that vengeful Jesus is busy appearing on a tortilla because he would not put up with this ridiculousness. Forgive them Father, because a lot of them are dumbasses, a pparently. I told Victor is was like this Jesus was channeling your sassy gay friend and Victor was like, “Who…Kevin?” and then I gave him the above Jesus look and showed him these videos, but he still said $25 was too much to pay to have Jesus disappointed in you:Īnd then I held Jesus in front of my face and said, “WELP. If he had a thought bubble it would be him looking at God like, “I know, right?” Or perhaps an audible sigh of disappointment as he muttered, “Ugh. It’s the same look I give the cats when I find them back-kicking the giant pile of toilet paper they’re currently shredding into a nest after they’ve unravelled the last roll in the house. He is my favorite personal Jesus and I assume this is what He looks like all the time when He reads this blog. “What is wrong with these people?” ~ Jesus Most Jesuses (Jesusi?) fall under the subsets of “Caring Shepard Jesus” or “Vengeful Threatening Jesus” or “Peaceful Hippy Jesus” or “Fat Baby Jesus” but this is the first time I’ve ever seen sassy, eye-rolling Jesus who is adorably fed up with your continued poor decisions and silliness but is resigned to the fact that you can’t even seem to stop yourself from fucking up. Well worth reading.More specifically I found Jesus on a wall pocket at a thrift shop and Victor wouldn’t let me buy it because he hates Jesus. It was funny and actually quite touching. Moore sums it up best when he says “If one’s faith can be shaken by stories in a humorous novel, one may have a bit more praying to do.” I can see how some Christians might possibly take offense to this irreverent look at Jesus’s life. I like how all Christopher Moore’s books are linked together in some way, even if they are separated by a couple thousand years. The book doesn’t go quite as far as The DaVinci Code saying that Jesus and Mary were married and had children, she is by no means a whore. The take on Mary Magdelene as Biff and Jesus’s childhood friend and a disciple is nice, actually, compared to her common portrayal as a prostitute. Raziel, The Stupidest Angel, is always hilarious and there was a nice cameo by Catch, the demon from Practical Demonkeeping. The conversations between Biff and Jesus really are the heart and soul of this book. Biff, being sarcastic and womanizing, is a perfect counterpoint to Jesus. But, oddly enough, it all works out in the end. Eventually, they head back to their homeland, and as you probably expect, Jesus gets tacked up to a couple of planks. They fight demons learn kung fu, yoga and Jew-do learn the ways of the Kama Sutra (well, Biff does anyway) raise the dead become Buddhists battle bandits heal the sick get hit with sticks ride an elephant and even hang out with a yeti. Like say, what the hell Jesus was up to between ages 12 and 30? Apparently, a lot.īiff and Jesus travel across the world, tracking down the three wise men who visited Jesus at his birth. The book is told from the perspective of Biff, resurrected by the angel Raziel in modern times, who is charged with writing a new gospel because there was a lot of stuff left out of the other four. Lamb tells the story of Levi bar Alphaeus, “Biff,” Jesus’s best friend, and their wacky adventures. Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore
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